It's been an odd week. I haven't really liked the way I've been reacting to things and people, in fact I've not really liked myself at all. But what can I do about it? It's not that easy to change how you feel, so instead I've been doing what I always do - I've been changing the things around me. I've thrown away loads of stuff this week and in a moment of clarity I realised that everything would be alright if only I had a cutlery draw. That's right, I don't need psychotherapy I need B&Q!

Tonight I'm rediscovering the joys of port and Eric Cantona - the first is giving me a lovely warm glow, just what I need for winter, and Eric is just handsome and French. Bonsoir!

This week has got progressively worse, in a way that is rather mystifying. I'm finding small things are really knocking me for six and making me want to cry, and was convinced I was going mad. Then I remembered that Monday is the anniversary of Dad's death and I'm just having my annual meltdown. I'm glad I realised when I did as now I can just keep my head down and wait until it passes, hopefully avoiding some of the more stupid things I'd been very close to doing this week: punching someone at work, screaming at my mother - neither of which would have been very smart.

Last night I went to Norwich to see a dance thing, despite a raging headache which I as sure was a brain tumour. Obviously it wasn't. Phew! It was the Rambert Dance Company who I've seen on their yearly trip to Norwich more times than I can count. They're always interesting even if I don't always like what they do.

The first piece was called Hush as was danced to songs by Bobby Mcferrin (but mercifully not Don't worry, be happy) and Yo-yo Ma. There were six dancers, each playing a different character - and this is where it all started to fall apart for me. If there are characters they have relationships and there is plot, so it moves away from pure dance - dance just about the movement, the shape and the rhythm - and becomes storytelling. This only works with a longer piece and needs to be done carefully, so my mind wandered a little and I found myself thinking about how to makeover my kitchen. (This is my obsession for 2010 - you'll be bored of it before you know it!). The music, dance and costumes had a Deep South feel to them and was humorous in places, but it wasn't really my kind of thing.

The second piece was about Darwin, as it's 150 years since he discovered evolution. Dance about ideas can work - last year I saw the same people do a dance about physics, which involved wearing a big red bobble on their heads and running around madly - it was thrilling! This began with a dark stage with seven strange white pods on it - it was lit so it looked like they were floating on water. From them emerged dancers, which could have just been silly but they played it down and got away with it. I'm not entirely sure how what followed related to Darwin, but they had great costumes - white front, black back - so if they turned round they could magically disappear into the black backdrop. There was something frog-like about the dancing and at one point a dancer got covered in tinfoil. Not really my cup of tea either!

The last piece was called A Linha Curva and was stunning! It featured their biggest number of dancers ever - 25 - and was a revival of something originally performed in South America so it had a real carnival feel to it! The lighting was amazing - the stage was lit from above so the floor resembled a coloured chess board. They then played with the rows to move dancers around the stage, like a giant 70s illuminated disco floor. There was lots of drumming, a bit of a dance off between the men, lots of yelling and screaming and more energy than I've seen on stage in years - stunning!

I finished the evening with a little late supermarket shopping, although it was inevitably a little disappointing and Christmas orientated. I'll be glad when that nonsense is over!

I got to work to find a note taped to the door saying the server was down, and the day never really recovered from that. There's almost nothing in the office that isn't computerised so we spent most of the morning aimlessly tidying, except as I'm compulsively neat I already was so I just watched. Dear God it was dull. By the time everything was working again I'd lost the will to work.>

This evening I had jobs to do but no motivation. It's wet out and cool inside, so I've been watching Will Young videos in preparation for next week's convert. I'm overexcited! In other news, the 24 year old has been in touch for the first time in a month. I thought I'd shaken him off but apparently not. I'm guessing the man who I assume had been occupying his time has fallen through, or am I just being cynical? I'll leave you with the loveliness that is Will:



I love him, keep your hands off!

Today has been uneventful and in truth a bit dull. I've got stuff done but it's felt like an uphill struggle! Yet more Christmas shopping, which is really starting to irritate me now: my mother is too short to see in shops and keeps wandering off; shops assistants just don't want to assist, particularly the gay ones, who somehow think they're above all that; stupid shoppers who just stand in the way. I think I had one of those weekends when I might have been better off as a hermit!

Last night I watched The Broken Hearts Club, a film about a group of gay men in Los Angeles. I hadn't seen it since it first came out and wondered how well it had aged so I was pleasantly surprised when I absolutely loved it! It was warm and funny and there were so many great actors in it! I wish I had a group of gay friends here to go out with in a gang and drink and gossip - sometimes the countryside is a curse!

Then I spent 80 minutes shouting at The X-Factor. In theory it ought to have been fantastic as it was George Michael week, but the trouble is that some of his songs are just too good to mess with - it's a brave/stupid man who has a go at Careless Whisper! Vote Stacey if you've got any sense!

There's that saying about success being 90% perspiration and 10% inspiration but I think it's actually about Christmas shopping! I'm finding it really hard this year - I got off to a good start then ground to a halt around the 50% mark. So this week I've spent hours online slogging through websites looking at things I simply don't understand in an attempt to find inspiration: Polly Pocket, Horrid Henry, Twilight, Liverpool FC - with each one I got further out of my depth! But it worked, I'm now up to 56%. I've promised Mum we'll go shopping tomorrow and hopefully get more done, because frankly the sooner I'm done the better!

"Oooh Fashion! Beep beep!" As ever Dame David Bowie got it spot on.

Last night I went to see The September Issue which was very beep beep indeed! It's a documentary about American Vogue and how they put together the biggest issue of the year, and in this instance their biggest issue ever - 840 pages!

It follows the editor, Anna Wintour, who in many ways is now more famous than the magazine itself - she must be if I've heard of her because it's not like Vogue is on my reading list! With her bobbed hair, impenetrable sunglasses and frosty stare she has a formidable reputation and is nicknamed Nuclear Wintour, although I suspect no one ever said it to her face. She actually comes across as far more likable than that, she just knows what she likes/wants and doesn't suffer fools at all. She's a role model to us all!

Her Creative Director is an astonishing woman who was born in North Wales called Grace, who was a model until she had a car crash and now oversees fashion shoots. The stuff she was responsible for was incredibly beautiful - way beyond fashion, it was Art! She seems like the only person who will stand up to the editor and enjoys teasing and annoying her.

It's amazing how much effort goes into a magazine designed to sell dresses! Particularly interesting is the cover shoot - Sienna Miller in Rome. Her hair is described quite scathingly so there is much talk of getting her a wig, and then the finished results are airbrushed - fillings and neck getting the most attention. The photographer - Mario Testino - comes across as a complete fool which is a pity as I quite like some of his stuff.

So the film was fab - funny and smart and incredibly glamorous! Lots of shots of Paris, which made me want to go straight back, and also New York, which had the same effect. But clearly King's Lynn doesn't do fashion as there were only about twelve people in the audience - shame on you Lynn!

I'm awake far too early so I might as well do something useful:

Paris - Monday

Monday was our last day in Paris so we fitted in a bit more sightseeing.

Just round the corner from our hotel was the Promenade Plantee - a section of disused elevated railway line that had been turned into a garden. I'd read about it in an article full of tips for things to do in Paris is you had an hour to spare but didn't realise it was so close to where we were staying. I also wanted to see it as there's something similar just opened in New York but this was the first.

It was of course lovely - a nice garden with trees and shrubs but all at second floor level or higher. How odd to look out of your office window and instead of seeing air seeing people walking their dog or jogging! I just wish there was some elevated railway in the UK we could do the same to.

Then we went to Pere Lechaise cemetery which was a spontaneous idea as we'd seen signs around Bastille for it and realised it was closer than expected. Obviously we went to see the grave of Oscar Wilde, which is on the opposite side from the Metro station we used, so we had a nice walk through the graves to get there. Luckily there were maps otherwise we'd have been completely lost.

It's a very different grave from the others around it, more modern and not designed for a whole family. There was already a couple of people there when we got there but we got a few minutes alone before the next lot of visitors arrived - there really was a constant stream. The sweetest thing about it is that the front of the grave is covered in kisses - lipstick marks in the shape of lips - which just seems really beautiful.

Of course graveyards always make me sad. I was doing okay until Thom said, "he's in there!" which I guess I'd never really thought about, rather stupidly. Oscar Wilde is a complicated hero - the plays are great even if Dorian Gray is a bit of a disaster. He's a good example of someone being persecuted for being gay and having their life destroyed, but at the same time he was cheating on his wife and could have had a different ending if he hadn't been so arrogant about things. But visiting his grave felt like a nice thing to do in Paris.

It all took a bit less time than we imagined so we had a bit of time to kill. We had a cup of tea then went to the botanical gardens, which were very formal but of course very dead at this time of year, so we ended up just heading to the station to find somewhere to eat and head home.

The trip home was slightly more eventful - as we were going through the Channel tunnel the train suddenly slowed down and went very slowly, for ages. I pretended to be asleep so I didn't have to worry about it but then they announced that there was a train regulation problem and we couldn't speed up until we left the tunnel - I was going to die in a tunnel under the sea! Drama Queen. Thom went to the buffet car for supplies - no chocolate left, always a sign of panic! - but by the time we'd eaten the train had speeded up and I could stop panicking. Phew!

So that was Paris. It was gorgeous. I'd definitely go again. Lovely to see you Thom! xx

The inevitable pictures are here:

paris november 2009